What do you do when you feel no sexual want for the one you’re in love with? That is the thing that somebody asked on Reddit. The people who reacted discussed how they managed the absence of want for their partners, and how regardless they figured out how to hold the affection and closeness.
“A friend of mine once told me that when he wanted to fuck and his GF didn’t (which was most of the time), she would just read a book or watch Netflix topless and he would sit there on the bed and jerk off to her tits…this has to be the most depressing relationship story I’ve ever heard IRL.”
“I’m asexual and my boyfriend is a borderline addict. We simply compromise and make it work because we love each other. He understands he can’t get sex 3+ times in the four hours he has between work and bedtime, and I understand that he needs something, so we do out best to make sure we do it once a day, though he does try to give me space if I’m having a bad day or whatever (and I try to offer it more if he’s stressed or something). It’s not a matter of me not being interested in him, it’s a matter of me not being interested in sex in general. It doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest. But like every other aspect of a successful relationship, it’s about love, respect, and compromising. We’ve been together for seven years, and while we’ve had a lot of bickering moments and frustrations over the subject, it’s never even come close to something that would be a deal breaker for either of us.”
“My libido massively outpaces that of my wife. I wack it to her living a normal life in various states of undress all the time, and we’re still in the “attracted to each other physically” part of the relationship. I get what I want, and if in an hour she’s interested as a result of the attention, I’m calm enough to be properly romantic.”
“I’m sexually attracted to my husband, BUT his sex drive is much higher than mine. I make up for it by showing love and intimacy in other ways. I make him special desserts every week, I cuddle with him, etc. We have sex, but since our drives are so different, if I don’t remind him that I love him and find him attractive in other ways then things get tense.
It’s not all about sex. You don’t have to be fucking like bunnies to be completely and utterly head over heels for someone.”
“I’ve been with my current girlfriend for 1.5 years. I diet for 2 months out of the year, every year. The first 2 weeks, my sex drive crashes. Normally, we are 1-3 times a day. But during that first two weeks of the diet, I have no sex drives and it is even difficult to get an erection.
Guess what? Still have sex. Still keep the frequency. The only difference is I don’t finish. Some days, I don’t finish for 3 days in a row. It really isn’t that big of a deal for me to have sex even if I have zero desire.
Focus on making her happy and making her feel good. Don’t feel like you can’t have sex just because you have no desire or don’t climax. View it as giving her a massage rather than a huge ordeal to perform. Once you change how you view sex, you can satisfy your partner even with mismatched libidos.
Also, keep showing that love outside the bedroom, too. Have sex with her once or twice a day, too. But don’t worry too much about “pure penetrative sex” if you’re not feeling it that day. Doing that for her is no different than getting her a surprise gift, for example. It shows you care.”
“My husband has a condition (diagnosed about a year and a half ago) that makes it extremely painful for him to be aroused. You know how it’s nice and flattering when you do something little (sitting in their lap, a long kiss, a flirty comment) and you notice them getting a little turned on? That went from fun to sucky really fast. I mean, he would completely shut down and even get up and leave the room. It was really shitty, to be honest.
I still love him the same way I always did, which includes being very, very physically attracted to him. My sex drive was always a little bit higher than his, but now he has no desire to be physical at all. He will still try to hug me and gives (extremely brief) kisses, but we haven’t been able to have any sort of sexual contact in a while. He tried being intimate with his fingers, but was nearly over before it started, and seemed to cause him so much pain that I didn’t enjoy it anyway, because I was so worried for him the whole time. Plus I can’t participate at all, because any sign of interest from me gets him excited, which causes him pain and shuts the whole thing down. It’s really fucked up.
So, I guess I don’t really have any helpful suggestions for others to contribute or anything. For perspective’s sake, though, I do still love him with my whole heart. It is really, deeply shitty that we can’t be physical anymore, but it’s not the end of the world. Getting to spend time with him is the most important thing. I’ll take a non-sexual relationship with him over a sexual relationship with anyone else.”
“The guy I fuck turns the lights off — fine with me, I’m confident as hell in the dark. I do the shit I want to do and he imagines someone else doing it – we both win.”