In this article, the author has fabricated an imaginary character who is going through a difficult relationship, by means of perception and imagination.
Tick Tick *Enters passwords*
You have seventeen new messages.
*Scroll scroll scroll*
Goodness! I heaved, running my hands vicariously through my hair.
I should figure out how to wake up without his messages now. After sleeping thorugh the night, I woke up, expecting a little change in reality. This can’t be genuine. How did it happen? Please just take everything back. Last evening’s scene of strolling in on my boyfriend kissing another woman begins replaying in my mind once more, the scene I tried so hard to squeeze myself out of last evening. My EX boyfriend! Yes!
From now on, my belief in a woman’s sixth sense is stronger than ever before. All the red flags and all the minute details that I ignored came in and slapped me in the face. He was just a part of my life, a mere portion of my day, then why does my world seem meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. I can’t help but feel numb. I wonder if I can go on now, and if I do go on, why should I go on. I can’t help but think of all the things I gave up for him. How I stopped purchasing red because he didn’t like it, how I started covering my shoulders and the scar on my left thigh. How I was ready to do all of that today if yesterday hadn’t happened.
My ex-boyfriend didn’t think for a second before tossing a two-year-old relationship out the window, maybe I should have given two seconds of thought to my own gut feelings. I kept ignoring the red flags for far too long. If the betrayal done to me was to make me feel like a fool, then it’s working fine so far. My phone just can’t stop ringing with texts of my friends. All wishing me well, all wanting me to move on. All I want for myself is to stop feeling like the biggest loser of all times. I could feel my grief shifting into anger like they tell you happens in the five stages of grief. I wanted to kill the man I fell in love with years ago, the person I was willing to die for. The intense the love, the deeper the grief, they say. Brace yourself, I said to myself, as I ate the leftover grilled cheese.
The pain has started to set in, a sort of deep physical one that I have never experienced in life. He was my first love, hence, my first heartbreak. In the last 24 hours, I have felt the weight of a lifetime in my chest to feeling numb and empty of all the emotions. When I finally decided to reply to the messages of my friends, I felt like it I was trying to put a fight against myself. I shouldn’t tell them that I am okay. I am not okay. I am far from being okay. My heart has been shredded to pieces and my entire belief system is shaken. My loss is way big to be cornered and tossed aside. As I was typing up the response, I also said to myself that even though my pain is valid, how I can look at my suffering is still my choice.
It’s almost midnight now. But my pain is becoming directly proportional to the time since I felt my heart crack open in my chest. I want to sleep. My anger is becoming a bridge over the open sea, a connection from me to the world. It is something to hold onto, and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing. I am not the first person to be cheated on, nor was I the first one to stay in an unfaithful relationship. It’s so so much better now that I know. My family only knew the brief of my relationship, imagine if I had involved them completely? Whoa! Dodged that bullet. Imagine if I had married the guy and got to learn the truth later.
Image Source: Unsplash
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” A quote I had read somewhere kept running in my mind all day long. The betrayal shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me. And it won’t come henceforth. I don’t want to turn into a brittle soulless human with no fighting chance. All I know is, I will never walk as blindly in a relationship as I did before. And I will trust my gut feeling. I can finally take up that foreign course now and I am going to buy that beautiful shade of red I love with all my heart. Accepting that I have been wronged has been cathartic. I can move on, grow and evolve.
The worst day is over, the most painful has already been survived. I am letting the bygones be bygones and am ready to accept the future with open arms.