Family life isn’t always happy and serene. In the opinion of American writer Richard Paul Evans, overcoming its difficulties and crises isn’t something every one of us can find the strength to do. When you read this article, the chances are you will totally agree with him. This is very important.
’My oldest daughter, Jenna, recently said to me, «My greatest fear as a child was that you and mom would get divorced. Then, when I was twelve, I decided that you fought so much that maybe it would be better if you did.» Then she added with a smile. «I’m glad you guys figured things out.»
For years my wife Keri and I struggled. Looking back, I’m not exactly sure what initially drew us together, but our personalities didn’t quite match up. And the longer we were married the more extreme the differences seemed. Encountering «fame and fortune» didn’t make our marriage any easier. In fact, it exacerbated our problems. The tension between us got so bad that going out on book tour became a relief, though it seems we always paid for it on re-entry. Our fighting became so constant that it was difficult to even imagine a peaceful relationship. We became perpetually defensive, building emotional fortresses around our hearts. We were on the edge of divorce and more than once we discussed it.
I was on book tour when things came to a head. We had just had another big fight on the phone and Keri had hung up on me. I was alone and lonely, frustrated and angry. I had reached my limit. That’s when I turned to God. Or turned on God. I don’t know if you could call it prayer—maybe shouting at God isn’t prayer, maybe it is—but whatever I was engaged in I’ll never forget it. I was standing in the shower of the Buckhead, Atlanta Ritz-Carlton yelling at God that marriage was wrong and I couldn’t do it anymore. As much as I hated the idea of divorce, the pain of being together was just too much. I was also confused. I couldn’t figure out why marriage with Keri was so hard. Deep down I knew that Keri was a good person. And I was a good person. So why couldn’t we get along? Why had I married someone so different than me? Why wouldn’t she change?
Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat down in the shower and began to cry. In the depths of my despair powerful inspiration came to me. You can’t change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. At that moment I began to pray. If I can’t change her, God, then change me. I prayed late into the night. I prayed the next day on the flight home. I prayed as I walked in the door to a cold wife who barely even acknowledged me. That night, as we lay in our bed, inches from each other yet miles apart, the inspiration came. I knew what I had to do.
The next morning I rolled over in bed next to Keri and asked, «How can I make your day better?»
Keri looked at me angrily. «What?»
«How can I make your day better?»
«You can’t,» she said. «Why are you asking that?»
«Because I mean it,» I said. «I just want to know what I can do to make your day better.»
She looked at me cynically. «You want to do something? Go clean the kitchen.»
She likely expected me to get mad. Instead I just nodded. «Okay.» I got up and cleaned the kitchen.
The next day I asked the same thing. «What can I do to make your day better?»
Her eyes narrowed. «Clean the garage.»
I took a deep breath. I already had a busy day and I knew she had made the request in spite. I was tempted to blow up at her. Instead I said, «Okay.» I got up and for the next two hours cleaned the garage. Keri wasn’t sure what to think.
The next morning came. «What can I do to make your day better?»
«Nothing!» she said. «You can’t do anything. Please stop saying that.»
«I’m sorry,» I said. «But I can’t. I made a commitment to myself. What can I do to make your day better?»
«Why are you doing this?»
«Because I care about you,» I said. «And our marriage.»
The next morning I asked again. And the next. And the next. Then, during the second week, a miracle occurred. As I asked the question Keri’s eyes welled up with tears. Then she broke down crying. When she could speak she said, «Please stop asking me that. You’re not the problem. I am. I’m hard to live with. I don’t know why you stay with me.»
I gently lifted her chin until she was looking in my eyes. «It’s because I love you,» I said. «What can I do to make your day better?»
«I should be asking you that.»
«You should,» I said. «But not now. Right now, I need to be the change. You need to know how much you mean to me.»
She put her head against my chest. «I’m sorry I’ve been so mean.»
«I love you,» I said.
«I love you,» she replied.
«What can I do to make your day better?»
She looked at me sweetly. «Can we maybe just spend some time together?»
I smiled. «I’d like that.»
I continued asking for more than a month. And things did change. The fighting stopped. Then Keri began asking, «What do you need from me? How can I be a better wife?»