I have a son and daughters. I also have my own private nightmare. It’s the moment when my wonderful daughter — who I carried in my arms, whose diapers I changed and with whom I marveled at the lights outside during the night — brings home some, pardon my French, idiot and will say: «Daddy, this one is going to live with us now.»
Meaning, live with us and sleep with her.
I am almost certain, for some reason, that this intruder will be scruffy, poor and ill-mannered, that he’ll have long disheveled hair and his attitude towards my baby girl will be not at all as chivalrous as I’ve hoped.
Oh, and he’ll have a whole bunch of disgusting habits.
In other words, he’ll be my exact copy, only younger.
So, in order to ease my anxiety, while my eldest daughter is still eight, I’m going to put off getting a gun and a huge, angry, boyfriend-eating dog, and will try to verbalize the reasons for my daughter to get married. While we’re at it, my son, who is still in his crawling and chewing with three teeth phase, may someday benefit from reading this, too.
Then again, if my daddy dearest would’ve ever tried writing something like this for me, there’s a big chance that I’d be very skeptical about it. But I’ll take this risk.
Which reasons for getting married are absolutely wrong?
Irrelevant reason number zero. Don’t get married to someone just because they want to or because you feel sorry for them or because you’re following someone else’s wishes in general. Dear children of mine, I am aware that you’re not stupid, so I won’t go into detail about why it is such a bad idea.
I know quite a few couples who got into marriage on the grounds of, to put it plainly, wanting to have sex and not wanting to break any social rules, or because they were trying to please their strict parents. All those couples either broke up or, as you’d say, «are not doing great».
This is just because sex on its own gets boring pretty fast. It’s not designed to be a time-consuming pastime. More importantly, if it’s simple and natural, like having a lunch, it gets old even faster. You can be with someone for physical reasons only for some time, but it will never last. And if you two are planning on spending your lives together, then you really should start looking for more substantial reasons.
Any external circumstances
Age, peer pressure, instructions from your priest, your parents’ wishes, favorable circumstances, signs from above and other fleeting nonsense: all of these are not a good enough reason to tie the knot, because they allow newlyweds to wash their hands of the responsibility.
And down the road, when things will get rough, our lovebirds will wish to hit «rewind» or hide behind an impenetrable wall of «I never said I wanted this, it just happened». The only question is who will chicken out first. Either way, both will suffer.
By the way, so called «shotgun marriage» goes into this category as well. But now there are at least three people getting hurt.
To marry a money-bag hoping to get hold of their fortune and live a life of joy is an act of sale, not love, and is not something you should do. Some things are not ours enough to sell. Such things include our souls, and if a marriage is a union of souls, not bodies, then any two people can live and sleep together, but it’s doubtful that any two friends can be spouses.
Then again, if you do go through with this deal, then it’s only fair to formalize it as such, with all the shameful details, including a prenup. Otherwise, your counterpart will have a stronger hand, both legally and morally, which will end badly for you in case of a conflict.
Loneliness and feeling of underachievement in life
Usually situations like this are sort of the opposite of the «fair deal» ones, with a person getting into it being prepared to lose. When someone is selling themselves for material comforts, they try to get the most out of it and put the highest price possible on themselves, because it’s a big, cold world out there, and you have to cash in while you still can.
h5>But when a person gets married because of feeling lonely and scared, they are not trying to get the most out of it, they’re settling for less. «Beggars can’t be choosers. It’s better than nothing».