A relationship which has the potential to last a long time by definition should not be complicated. How long can it really last if you drive each other crazy all the time? A complicated relationship can’t keep going for more than, say, two years maximum. Then the curtain will fall and the actors will be alone with their thoughts.
All these ’complicated’ relationships with their endless conversations where you try to explain your convoluted and contradictory feelings about each other, desperately searching for a formula which will make it easier and harmonious — this is not what you need. Don’t force yourself to believe that this is the only chance you’ll have to be happy. If you carry on like this, you’ll drive yourself and those around you mad, turning your emotional suffering into a fetish. You could ruin your life that way.
Relationships should be simple. It doesn’t matter who he is, or where he works, or what his education is, how many languages he speaks, how many women he had before you, or whether he can write poetry. Your life and your happiness don’t, and shouldn’t, depend on any of these questions. All that really matters is whether you feel comfortable with him — whether you feel at home. If you don’t give a damn whether you’re with him or not, if you don’t feel you’re reaching your potential with him, if he drives you crazy, and if he says things like, ’we can’t do that, it’s too complicated’, it’s time to let go. You won’t lose anything when you do. You’ll understand later that you didn’t really love him — it was just a whim.
You won’t get anything out of one of these ’complicated’ relationships other than a headache. If you really need this headache, if you can’t live without it, then it’s time to admit that you don’t really need that particular person, or perhaps any partner at all — instead, perhaps you just can’t get by without the emotional drama and the strange desire to torment yourself emotionally which you get from relationships. You need to make sure you don’t use your relationships — any relationship — as a tool to live out all the complexes you might have in your head. You don’t deserve it, and he doesn’t deserve it; no one you know deserves it.
I’ll say it again: relationships should be simple. What do you want out of a relationship, ultimately? Maybe you want kids, make a home together, plan your lives together, socialise with friends and loved ones, and all the other things we all want out of life. If you think you can have all this when things are complicated from the very start, then you, my dear, are very much mistaken.
We all start off dreaming of a guy who’s tall and handsome (and intelligent and rich and successful and sexy and romantic and…and…and….) and we’re disappointed when he turns out not to be all those things and more. And we tell him about our disappointment in the hope that he can become that fantasy man. And it’s only much later — usually too late — that we realise that all we really need is a guy who’s shoulder we can lay our head down on for a moment, who’s always by our side. Always. You see? Being able to rely on each other is the most important thing in a relationship. Everything else is just details you can deal with — the key is whether he’ll be there to help you at the most difficult moments. And experience not just the difficult ones. You’ll know you’re on the right track when you feel you can share both your victories and defeats with him, your dreams and your fears, your joy and your sadness.
You’ll know each other inside and out, you’ll be able to understand what the other’s thinking with just one word. At the same time, you’ll still have fights — he’s a different person, after all. But this won’t be a permanent state; you won’t always be on the cusp of another conflict — instead, arguments are minor affairs and never threaten to bring everything crashing down. At the same time, without patience and the ability to come to a compromise, you won’t get anywhere.
Another thing — a straightforward, simple relationship can only exist on a foundation of trust. This means you can take important decisions that will affect your life together not only together, but also separately when circumstances require. What could signify that you’re perfect together more, than when you trust each other totally to make the right decision?
So, forget about all those fairytales you had when you were a teenager. The fantasy that some tall, handsome prince is going to one day drive up to you in his expensive car and sweep you off your feet — that’s not the only thing you should settle for. Life doesn’t work like it does in the movies. But that’s no reason to feel disappointed — because none of that is important. It doesn’t matter whether your partner is tall or short, slim or overweight, a smooth talker or a stutterer. All that matters is you feel happy together, you feel at home. And that without him, life’s a damn sight worse.
And in 20 year’s time, when you can’t even remember the last time you had one of those soul-crushing conversations about ’where we’re going together’, because you’re already there, and it’s wonderful, then you’ll understand that you found the love of your life.